Luke Bryan: “This Is How We Roll” is like a stationary ride on Wal-Mart’s front. It makes a lot of noise, has flashing lights, bumps up, and falls a bit, but ultimately goes fucking nowhere. The Mighty Morphin Power Rangers’ soundtrack is more genuine, deep, and nutritious than the diarrhea explosion in country music’s bikini-cut man shorts.
The Song of Luke Bryan
The first question about this song is: Why is Luke Bryan not marketing it? What is his contribution to this collaboration? His first line out of his sewer is “We’re proud that we are young,” which is ironic since the 37-year-old is wearing testosterone patches to boost his “performance” to keep up with his younger siblings on his latest, increasingly inappropriate Spring Break album. Luke Bryan is now that creepy late 30’s uncle character. He sends a group of 16-year-old girls as “chaperones” and spends all of his time trying to get up the courage to ask Miley Cyrus’ best friend to play the role of Miley Cyrus. The rest of the group head down to the beach.
“This Is How We Roll” is filled with sexual perversion and stupidity. There’s even a scene at the beginning of the video where a bunch of hussies has consensual sex while driving a Kenworth. These chicks need to have their Tetanus records in place. Tweedledee from Florida Georgia Line is riding on the top of the semi-like Teen Wolf with the same doltishness as Teen Wolf.
Are the words to this song for seriousness? It sounds like a child babbling with his tongue cut or Buckwheat ordering Thai food as he fights through the paralysis from a stroke.
- If you need a ride, holla at yo boys
- You know I roll high if you join me.
- They have 37 Nittos and windows that are hard to see.
- My baby is so fresh in the shotgun seat.
- The kisses are automatic for me, though, like a free throw
- It might not be your good life, but it is for me.
Is anyone else annoyed by seeing people huddled in the back of semi-trucks? Is it enjoyable for anyone to be in a cargo container with no windows to the outside, with a bunch dumb shit riding motorcycles inside? How many illegal immigrants have died from sweating or been suffocated in similar situations? They should not be allowed to take their entire party to the same border crossing in Sierra Blanca, TX, as Willie and Snoop. Then, they will have to sing about “you know how we rollin’ high” while the jackboots down there sodomize them all with toilet plungers from the government in an endless search for contraband.
Poor Brian Kelley
Poor Brian Kelley, the Doogie houser-looking dude from Florida Georgia Line. He’s again more in the mix than Hoffa and offers no real contribution to the group other than helping to count the heads to qualify them to receive the CMA/ACM “Duos of the Year” awards. He doesn’t care about lip-syncing, but he does show off his ineptness while showing off his hip-hop skills with a doltish smile and no-soul-having wannabe hip-hop gestures. Florida Georgia Line is Tyler Hubbard; let’s face it. Brian Kelley will be responsible for Hubbard’s penis pumps.
Finally, to make up for any lack of true talent or machismo emanating from Florida, Georgia Bryan, they send the troika to a motorcycle track to look fabulous while people with skill perform tricks for the camera that the pair can take credit for.
Is this the worst “country” song? This is not the worst “country” song ever. Partly because it’s just Florida Georgia Line par for its course, while other sellers like Tim McGraw and Jason Aldean might think otherwise. Brian Kelley and Tyler Hubbard are such soft-spoken people that they believe Shania Twain is a classic country. This song is still a great hit. This song will be huge, and I expect anyone with half a brain to enjoy its spread throughout American culture for many months.